Braved work and the supermarket!!

So today I woke up and was determined to go back to work. I still felt a bit ropey and was very pale but I went for it. After playing tennis with the students as we need the practice for a tournament we are in next week, working my lunch on playground duty and having a particularly lively student all afternoon I was well and truly shattered by the time I came home. So I flopped on the sofa and chilled - I WISH!!!!! Instead I put a load of towels in to wash, cooked tea, went shopping for shorts for hubby, went to the supermarket for our weekly shop. After all this hubby did take me to our local and favourite pub, real ale for him and cappuccino for me. This is the first time we have been for a while as we are trying to save money but because i've not been well it was a treat. It is very reasonable though and a pint of real ale, a very good cappuccino and a bag of real handcooked crisps for less than a fiver! And I did the weekly shop for £16. How frugal was that! Only bought what was on my list and bought some lovely bread reduced. Drew £100 out of the cashpoint and i'm going to try my hardest to make it really last as long as I can.
Right how have I been at work with "Bill". Well the day started with a wobble as I didn't really want to go. This was a mixture of being still unwell and the fact i've had over a week off which always affects me. So it would of been so easy to say I wasn't still well enough to go and cry off again but I didn't. It took a lot to push myself but this is the only way to beat this. So I kept busy, didn't use feeling ill as an excuse not to do playground duty which I hate and pushed on. I had several wobbly moments but I coped. Tonight when we went to Matalan I usually have to have a trolly, this is a safety behaviour that I've become used to. Learned behaviour. The reasoning behind this is that if I feel wobbly I can lean on the trolly until I feel well enough to move on. Tonight was the first time EVER that because I didn't have a pound coin to put in to get one I went in without. About half way around the store I started to feel a bit dizzy but I ploughed on. I wish I could remember that i've done these things the next time but usually I just feel like I can't do it. Think I need to make myself some kind of saying that reminds me of these things that I can say over and over until I believe it. We only ever have one drink at the pub as Hubby has to drive home. He wants to try getting a taxi but being stuck at the pub and having to wait for a taxi is just too much for me at the moment as again this falls into the catagory of being stuck somewhere. Complicated I know but in my head there is a weird sort of logic to it all. Right i'm off for a soak and chill before an early night. Hoping to go to the gym after work tomorrow if I feel up to it.
Take care,

Jules x

Typical!!!

Well finally my head has stopped spinning enough for me to get on the laptop and write my blog. Have really struggled the past few days with what i'm assuming has been a virus or bug of some sort. Started with an horrendous headache that at first I suspected to be the beginning of a migraine but then worsened to the point that I felt as though my head was going to explode and nurofen and paracetemol just weren't taking the pain away. Then followed the sickness and runs and awful dizziness. I felt so poorly that I couldn't lift my head from the pillow. And so I have had to take 2 days off work which is absolutely unheard of! Hopefully I will feel well enough if a little tired to go to work tomorrow. Fingers crossed! So on a frugal front I haven't spent a penny as I haven't been out or eaten. Not that i'm recommending this as a long term fix! Get paid tomorrow so i'm going to start the month in earnest to save every single penny I can. Have been thinking how I could perhaps make a little bit more money to help with the savings. The one thing I do enjoy is baking cakes and would absolutely love to have my own tearoom, that way I wouldn't mind not retiring. But realistically as I can't afford to give up work and start up a business on my own the next best thing is to start on a small scale by baking cakes to sell to friends and family. If this goes well then maybe I can expand it to farmers markets locally. Any ideas would be accepted gratefully!!!
Ok now how have I managed with "Bill" ( my agoraphobia) Firstly I won't stay in the house on my own so when i'm ill this in itself is a real issue and raises my anxiety. Luckily my mum is at home and so I can go there to be "looked after". The only downside of that is being killed by kindness. My mum seems to blame the fact i'm a vegetarian for any illness I get and insists on trying to feed me meat in a way other mothers would administer painkillers or cough medicine. I lost count of how many times I refused a bacon sandwich, ham sandwich, beef and potato pie and beef stew! Finally just to stop her I gave in and ate a tiny bit of stew but fished out the beef. I know! I know! I'm 48 and still scared of my  mother!
So despite that, bless her, shes waited on me hand and foot and today even insisting that I get on the scales and weigh myself to see if i've lost weight due to being ill. Unfortunately it doesn't look like I have. Just my luck!
Right thats about as much as my eyes will stand on here tonight so thanks for reading and take care everyone.

Jules

Evening friends,
Firstly an apology for not blogging yesterday (not a very good start I know!) In my defence I had to go to bed early evening with an awful migraine. So tonights blog may be brief too as I struggle to look at the screen without it hurting.
Well then what have I been up to apart from sleeping this weekend? Yesterday I didn't venture very far at all. Just a quick trip to the farm shop to pick up veg for the week as it isn't open on Sundays. Bought lots of lovely in season veg that i'm looking forward to making into delicious meals for my family this week. I don't tend to choose the menu for the week it seems to choose me by the vegetables and meat available. I made a loaf and a chocolate cake yesterday as hubby was off walking today and needed a packed lunch. Had hoped that there would be enough bread left for packed lunches tomorrow but it was very popular! So today I have baked another loaf and just made sandwiches up for tomorrow with it before it goes missing again!!! I also have been to the abbatoir this afternoon to get a stock of meat for the freezer for the carnivores in the household. I'm a vegetarian so it isn't a very pleasant trip but even though I don't eat it myself I like to know where it has come from and that it is local and best quality. It is actually considerably less expensive than buying from the supermarket anyway. I came home and divided it up into bags in the right size portions for the meals I will cook so that will make life easier - if I remember to take it out of the freezer to defrost in time that is!
And now my weekend with "Bill"....... Yesterday as I mentioned earlier I hardly went out so I was quite chilled and my agoraphobia didn't cause me any problems. Today I went out for lunch with my mum and brother and again because they are people I trust I didn't have any problems. Started to feel my anxiety levels rising tonight though and I know its because I have to go to work tomorrow after having a week off. Its always hard for me after a holiday. I also know that there are a couple of things happening at work in the next few weeks that will cause me extreme anxiety. I am trying to get my head around it all before then so fingers crossed. Right thats me done for today.
Take care
Jules x

Day one at frugal towers.

Well i've tried my very best today in all areas. Pegged out the washing instead of putting it in the dryer only to fetch it back in hours later frozen like sheets of cardboard! Went out to get the newspapers and exactly what was on my shopping list and got ONLY that. No magazines, no too good to miss offers of items I don't really need or want and no allowing hubby to fill the trolly with items. And best of all no going to a tearoom or cafe for an expensive cappuccino and cake. This has saved me NOT ONLY money but my waistline too so a win win situation. Had one or two places to go today and instead of grabbing some lunch out as we would usually do we came home inbetween ( it was on our way so not wasting fuel) and I made us a nice lunch using left overs from yesterday. This afternoon I made a birthday cake with my daughter for her friend as a birthday present. (Looks like my chat about saving money has worked!) As we had most of the ingredients in the house anyway and free eggs from my friends chicken I just had to buy a couple of things and worked out that the cake cost about £3 to make so a very thrifty gift. See photo above. Got the idea from seeing it on facebook made by someone else. Really easy to make and fun too!
Right what sort of day have I had with "Bill". Actually today was a good day. Travelled on the dual carriageway TWICE. Once is usually enought to put the fear of god into me. You see there is just too much potential to get trapped on there with no means of escape. If there is an accident or just with queueing traffic you are stuck! Same fear applies to motorways. Going to visit my son in Devon is a complete nightmare for me as I am on high alert the whole journey. Watching all the signs for warnings of roadworks. Watching incase the traffic starts to slow down and build up. I have AA traffic watch on my mobile phone so I can anticipate any problems then poor hubby has to leave the next available exit even if we have no idea where we are going. I'm doing word searches, playing games on my phone and reading my kindle as a way of distracting myself.  I'm exhausted by the end of the journey as I'm running on adrenaline the whole time. Can't begin to tell you what it does to my insides! But I still do it because its worth everything when I see my son and lovely grandaughter. Hubby always says to me that I can do things when I really have to, doesn't mean its easy and I would never choose to put myself through it but he's right, I have come up against some pretty awful and what I would think are impossible situations over the years but I have survived. If I could just have the confidence to trust that everything would be ok everytime I have a new fear or even recurring fear then i'm sure that would be the end of Bill! I just need that leap of faith. Maybe i'll put it to the test............ tomorrow?
Take care and thanks for reading,
Jules

A day in  the life of an agoraphobic (and everyone else around them!)

Here goes, so I’ve decided to write a blog about my life. The life of an agoraphobic and everyone else around them forced to live as an agoraphobic by association!  A life, living within a set of rules and boundaries.  A life, full of highs and lows, achievements and failures, dodging situations and being held back. A life that’s sometimes funny J at the same time as being sad L. A life that’s never easy but never dull. With 4 kids, 2 step-kids, 2 grandaughters plus another one on the way and a mad cocker spaniel how could it be anything else! A life that’s my life and I’m very grateful for all the wonderful people in it. I just want to be able to live it. That’s not too much to ask is it?...............

Today starts my frugal quest to save as much money as I can so that I can retire, and hopefully without the stress that work brings, begin to relax and have time to concentrate on beating my agoraphobia. I read a book recently ( as i've read most books and articles about agoraphobia - most agoraphobics do!) This book advises to take ownership of your agoraphobia, to give it a name. Well i've called it lots of things in the past most of which I couldn't publish on here without getting banned on my first blog so for the purposes of future blogs lets just call it Billy ( as in billy no mates - this is my worst fear being alone)

Agoraphobia is personal to every sufferer. No two people are alike and neither is this vile invasion of your life. Mine started over 20 years ago as the result of a traumatic experience. Because of the way it began it has been described as a post traumatic stress disorder and has manifested into a deep fear of being trapped anywhere or being on my own (monophobia). The two are linked in so much as  im scared of being trapped anywhere I don't have the confidence to trust myself to be able to get away from. So I need to know there is someone there to help me (and not just anyone, they have to be trusted) . This has all sorts of implications as you will see if you continue to read my posts. I have been so overwhelmed by this that I have been unable to leave the house to being so well that I was able to go abroad for a holiday ( just the once but I DID IT!). At the moment I am somewhere in the middle. I have good days and bad days. Days when I feel I can conquer this no problem and days when I struggle to queue in our local shop for a newspaper. This i've given up analysing and just accept that it happens and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. There are so many things i've missed in my life but also so many things i've managed to achieve including raising my lovely family single handed for some of the time until my lovely husband came along. I also manage to go to work but only because I have a series of strategies in place to allow it. Its far from easy though.

Well today hubby and me have been a run out for lunch( not very frugal I hear you sigh but we should of being going away overnight and decided against it so a lunch and coffee was a cut back and is the last chance before my frugality takes over tomorrow) True to form as soon as I woke this morning  thoughts of the journey started to go through my mind "what if the car breaks down?" "what if we can't park close to the cafe/shop?" Next thing you know i'm running the loo, sometimes I wonder if its worth putting myself through all this for a "treat"!!!! Onwards and upwards though, no pain no gain. I have been to these places before and I have a better internal mapping sytem than any sat nav so off we go. Had a lovely day out, couple of times when I felt ropey ( hubby does need to go to the loo sometimes - I know so bloody inconsiderate!) so i'm hanging around outside the mens loo looking dodgy and counting every second trying to contain the panic until he comes out. Poor man has an awful lot to put up with. All in all though it was a successful trip and made today a good day.

Well think thats enough for a first attempt especially as i'm not even sure its going to post being the technophobe that I am. Fingers crossed then, until tomorrow.

Jules. x